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What Love Means To Me…

September 30, 2011 by Sherri L. Ash Photography

I just found this in my drafts… I wrote this in April of this year.  The last six months have been difficult and I still stand by these thoughts…  I felt like it wasn’t finished but couldn’t find the words.  Maybe that’s because I haven’t done enough research.  :)   Anyway, just thought I’d post it …. because just as life isn’t finished, neither is this blog!

I have seen love… and it is truly beautiful.  Love is in a look, a touch, a smile, it is in silence and on this Valentines Day, it is all around me.  Personally, I have never experienced true love.  I have come close… but there is no such thing as “I love you but….”  I have never experienced any other kind of love than “I love you but…”  I often question if there is such a thing as unconditional love.  I believe that all love is conditional.  There are people that will disagree with me… but let’s analyze this.If you love someone with your whole heart but maybe you don’t show it in the way that your lover expects…  He/she has expectations of how love is to be expressed and when they feel that you are not showing it in the way they desire… before you know it… they walk away.  Is that conditional?  or does that mean that it wasn’t true love?

Then there is Love at first sight… can this really be possible?  We see it in movies, we read about it in novels, we might even hear a first hand account of such a love.  Is it possible that two strangers can meet and know instantly that that is the person that you are meant to be with for all eternity?  Are we supposed to believe that God has put someone on this earth that is our soul mate?  Is a soul mate someone that will love you, stay by your side, love the good qualities as much as the not so good qualities?  Or…is a soul mate someone that you were destined to meet that will break your heart, and that heartbreak may lead you towards the path that is layed out for you.  But if we don’t learn from that experience, do we continue to have that heartbreak repeated over and over until we do learn?  This to me is a very complicated question.  Because after all, isn’t it human nature that when we experience pain we protect ourselves from that pain in the future.  How do we overcome pain?  Do we forgive this so called “soul mate” and actually thank them for causing us this pain?  For if we had never felt this pain, we may have been trapped in a life without true love.  How does one forgive someone who has caused them such agony?

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Valentine’s Day?

February 14, 2011 by Sherri L. Ash Photography

Last week I got this brilliant idea to write a blog about love.  Really?  Me?  Writing about love?  That’s like the Pope writing about Nascar!  I even watched a few sappy movies this weekend for inspiration.  Sleepless in Seattle, Letters to Juliet, but the one that I related to the most was Valentine’s Day.  Not because of the “love conquers all” theme, but the scene that made my heart flutter was when Jennifer Garner’s character smashed that heart-shaped pinata to smithereens with a baseball bat.  That scene gave me the warm fuzzies!  Somebody, give me a bat and a pinata now!

As I’m typing this out on my computer, I have my heart-shaped box of chocolates next to me (more research) and with every chocolate I pop into my mouth I’m looking for some in sight into this thing called love.  What a crazy emotion!  It can feel like you have just been given a powerful “happy” drug, and like there is nothing impossible in this world one day… to being curled up in the fetal position, feeling like your heart is literally being ripped out of your chest the next.  I speak from personal experience when I say, I cannot imagine a greater pain. While staring into the heart shaped box scattered with half eaten chocolates that did not agree with my palate, I pause for a moment to bite into another chocolate.  Where was I?  Oh, right…. LOVE.  Why did I get this stupid idea to write about love anyway?  But I must press on… I’ve started this and I have to finish it!  My eyes keep shifting from the computer screen to the box of chocolates.  With every chocolate I eat feels like I am swinging that bat at the pinata.

It occurs to me that this will not be the most profound thing I have ever written… but none the less, I press on.  eh hem… Love… .  The truth is, I can’t bring myself to write anything positive about love… I know that when you are in the deep throws of love, you know, the kind that has your head spinning, your heart singing, and your stomache fluttering…not to mention some of those other parts that are effected as well. ;) Love is a many splendored thing…  until SPLAT!!!!  I know… I am incredibly negative!  But, in my experience there is always a splat at the end of a love story.  I pause again to pop another chocolate in my mouth, and stare up at the ceiling to see where I should hang the pinata.

I will leave you all with this… When you’re snuggling up with your love, or having a romantic evening staring into their adoring eyes, you can rest assured that I will be here polishing off my bat.  And when your romantic evening carries on into the bedroom for passionate love-making… know that I will be passionately beating the crap out of that pinata.  While you are screaming out in pleasure, I will be matching your screams with each swing of the bat. When you are panting, glistening with sweat after the love-making is done… I will also be wiping my brow… and popping another chocolate in my mouth.

Maybe next year’s story will be different for me…  that is if I can stop eating these damn chocolates!!!

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Just Write…

October 12, 2010 by Sherri L. Ash Photography

As I sit in the garden, feeling empty, frightened and alone, I close my eyes and begin to pray.  “God please tell me what to do.”  While I sit there, waiting for some devine presence to step in…hoping to feel the armes of God wrapped around me, to feel him wipe my tears away and tell me everything is as it should be.  Tell me that we…that I will be okay.

I feel the intense heat of the sun on my face, I wince from the heat.  It was as if I had opened the door to the oven, I half expected to open my eyes and see the brownies cooking to perfection inside.  The warmth is familiar, comforting.  I’m trying to block everything out and just “be”.  I can hear a cricket in my left ear.  Is it trying to tell me something?  It’s telling me; “Just listen Sherri, don’t think…just listen.  All around you life is happening, these plants in the garden will still grow without you.  They will grow with you, wherever you are…and so will you.”  “It’s not about “where” you are, It’s “who” you are.”

It’s an unusually windy day.  I tilt my head back , and raise my chin to feel it’s soft carress on my face.  I can feel the earth beneath me, surrounding me, speaking to me.  What does it want me to know?  “Don’t ask what it means, just go with it”.  There is a strange familiarity  to that, I’m sure I’ve heard that before but it means something so different now…or does it?  I don’t know what it means, but I think I hear what it’s saying…”Change is coming, autumn is upon you…welcome it…embrace it.  It’s time to prepare for your hybernation, it will be a tough winter, but I promise you, it won’t be a long one.  You will wake up in the spring, you will grow, and with nurturing from yourself and God’s love, you will bloom..”.  “Trust me”.  It’s saying…  “Trust me.”

And then I hear it…  “Write Sherri.  You must write.”  But I don’t know how, I say to myself, It’s too hard.  “Just write.”

So, here I am writing….not trying to think about where this is going or what I’m trying to say.  I sit here and I “just write”.

 

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Wild Night in Paris

April 30, 2010 by Sherri L. Ash Photography

Wild Night in Paris

You can’t help but feel alive when in Paris.  Everything seems to come to life, the lights seem a little brighter, the music seems a little more meaningful, the shops a little more enticing.  Even the window displays come to life…literally.

One cold evening when I was in Paris, I stopped in front of a store front that had two mannequins displaying the most beautiful gowns.  I had passed many other displays that night, but this one really caught my eye.  It was after hours and everything was closed, and she was doing her job fabulously, which was to pose in this gorgeous gown, calling to passersby…look at me, don’t you want to look stunning like me?   Everything about her was perfect…the shoes were of course fabulous, and she was wearing a long elegant black gown with a single strap swept over her left shoulder, paired with the perfect sparkling  jewels and  the most spectacular black leather elbow high gloves…She was indeed fabulous!!  As I stood there I wished for a moment that I could wiggle my nose or blink my eyes and the outfit, shoes, jewels, gloves and all would be mine!!!  All mine!!
The next morning I got up early, eager to go to the espresso bar that I had seen the night before.  On my way, I passed the same window display and the mannequin that I had been drooling over was still standing in the window as you would expect.  What I didn’t expect was that her dress was missing!!  Not sliding down, not crumpled on the floor, gone!!  And her stockings  were sliding down her derriere!!!  I couldn’t help but burst into laughter, and of course, I had to snap a photo of this very puzzling window display.
Of course, the first thing that came to mind was…Wow, she must have had a wild night!  It didn’t take long for my imagination to run amuck, as it always does.  Visions of these headless, elegantly dressed mock women dancing the night away, sipping pink champagne and having such a marvelous time that they didn’t even notice that the sun was coming up!  Oh no! (I imagined she must have thought) I better get back into my window.  She hurriedly slipped into position before anyone noticed that she was gone.  What she didn’t realize was that her beautiful dress was still hanging from the crystal chandelier!
Maybe someone else had also been admiring this perfect ensemble, and perhaps they had wished so hard that their fairy godmother granted them their wish!  Where was she when I was wishing it were mine??  hmmmm?  (you see?  It really doesn’t take much for my imagination to spiral down into the abyss.)
Feel free to leave comments…what do YOU think happened to her clothes?  What do you think she was doing that night?  Let’s see if we can piece together the events of her wild night in Paris!!!

Posted in Paris, photography, women | Tagged , , , , , , | 8 Comments »

Just Like Pretty Woman

April 21, 2010 by Sherri L. Ash Photography

Last Friday night Kevin took me to the Opera at the Kennedy Center.  I was so excited to get all dressed up, I wore a strappless, long flowing gown in shades of Plum, Lavender and Silver.  It almost looked iridescent, shimmering and changing colors as I moved.  I looked like I was going to the Oscars!!


When we walked into the building, I started noticing that no one was dressed like I was.  I saw a few cocktail dresses, but mostly slacks and even some jeans!!  I’m thinking, I thought people got dressed up for these things?  I received compliments from the staff and random people in the atrium.  I felt like a princess!!!    Of course, I had never been to the opera before, and the only reference I had was from the movie Pretty Woman, which I feel like my life has paralleled the character in that movie.  One older woman approached me and said that it was the most beautiful gown she had ever seen!  We got our drinks from the bartender and of course, I had the pomegranate champagne.  Kevin had gone down to the ATM to get more cash so I stepped outside on the terrace with my champagne.  It was really windy, but I didn’t care, that only complimented me right?  Gown blowing in the wind, hair flowing, I must have looked fabulous!  I set my drink down on the fountain wall and immediately a big gust of wind came and blew my drink over.  I tried to grab it, but it continued to roll along the terrace with the wind.  I was pretty upset that I lost my drink so naturally I proceeded to chase the glass across the terrace!  How regal I must have looked!


I finally reached the glass, picked it up and (gracefully?) walked back into the building and straight over to the bartender.  With the poutiest face I could muster, I told him my glass blew over on the terrace and I really did try to save it…but could I please have another?  I glanced over at the security guard that had complimented me on my dress earlier, and she was clearly struggling not to burst into laughter!  “Did you see that?”  I asked.  She then burst out laughing and nodded that she had!  That’s ok, it could have happened to anyone right?  I also laughed it off and met Kevin in the atrium, it was already time to head to our seats for the show.  But I still had a full glass of champagne so, I did what any pretty woman would do…I chugged the glass, and when I pulled it away from my lips the champagne splashed out of the glass and in my eye!  Now I have champagne dripping down my face and in my bosom.  Class act right??  Kevin said…”Nice!  Now just don’t spit your gum out as your walking to your seat!!”


This reminds me of my second date with Kevin.  We had been invited to Kevin’s co-workers house to have dinner with him and his wife.  This was in 1996, I was a single mom at the time working as a waitress in Middleburg, VA.  I didn’t have much money but that never stopped me from looking fabulous!  There was a real upscale thrift store in Middleburg, so I went to pick out the perfect outfit and I decided on an adorable babydoll dress (mind you this is in the 90′s).  As I was getting ready for our date, I put on the dress, styled my hair, carefully applied my make-up, and for the finishing touch???  I chose a pair of hiking boots with the socks scrunched down.  Perfect!  Cute and Sexy.
As we are driving to his friend’s house, we approach a shopping center.  Kevin says, “we’re a little early, do you want to go inside and have a look?”  “I guess so.”  I say, thinking this is a little odd for a date but ok.


We immediately walk over to the women’s department and after browsing through a few of the racks, Kevin holds up a dress and says, “Do you like this one?”  I shrugged and said “sure”.  Kevin said, “why don’t you try it on?”  I obediently go to the dressing room, when I came out with it on to see what he thinks, he is holding a pair of flats in his hands and says “try these on”.  So now I’m wearing the dress and the shoes and he says that it looks great and wanted to know if I liked it.  I suppose so, I never would have chosen it, but it was nice.  I turned toward the dressing room to change back into my babydoll dress and hiking boots, when Kevin says, “Why don’t you just leave it on”.


Would you believe it wasn’t until months later, when I was telling the story to a friend who kindly pointed out that he obviously didn’t like what I was wearing, that I even realized this?!  I thought he was just being nice, since I had been working so hard and going without for so long.


It’s comforting to know that after all these years, money hasn’t really changed me… The same saying still applies…”You can dress me up, but you can’t take me anywhere!”  I’m still the same old Sherri, and proud of it!!

Posted in Kennedy Center, Opera | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Overcome

April 14, 2010 by Sherri L. Ash Photography

Overcome
I refer to this picture as ”My Paris Woman”.  I titled it “Overcome” after hearing the song from Live.  If you were to listen to the song while viewing the photo, it is truly haunting.  This was taken in Paris in January, and after seeing her I immediately stopped whining that I was cold.  Notice the socks on her hands and the slippers on her feet.  She sat alone in the middle of a cold sidewalk, and although the image doesn’t show it, there were people hustling and bustling around her.  She never looked up…not once!  She just stared down…at what?  Her hands?  Wishing they weren’t so cold?  The sidewalk?  Wishing it were a soft warm bed?  Or…perhaps…the McDonalds cup that sat before her? Was she hoping…praying…that someone would put enough spare change inside to buy her a morsel of food?
I have often thought about her.  I wonder what her story is and when she realized that she was out of options?  Does she have any children and if so…where are they?  How did she end up on this sidewalk, feeling invisible, hoping that someone would notice her cup and empty their pockets?  Was she ever married?  What happened to her husband?  I wonder if she was once a strong, beautiful, vibrant young woman partying in the night clubs of Paris.  I lie awake at night wondering if anyone thinks of her.  Does she have family, or friends that miss her?  I know, I have so many questions I would ask her if I could speak with her.  But unfortunately, I will never know her story.  I can only pray for her, and maybe in some small way give her an identity by showing her to you all.  What struck me more than the fact that she sat there all alone on a busy sidewalk in the cold, is that she never looked up!!   She never said a word.  Why didn’t she look up?  It saddens me to think that maybe she has come to believe that she IS invisible, that her paper cup has more presence than even she herself.  Please lord don’t ever let me lose myself in that way.
I think that there are so many women my age that have lost themselves in this big world.  We may not be on a sidewalk in Paris begging for change, but I have seen inside the eyes of some perfectly functioning women that looked every bit as lost as this woman does.
As women, we are inherently strong and beautiful.  There is nothing we can’t have or accomplish when we set our minds to it.  Anne Frank said “I don’t think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains.”  To think that such a young girl living in unimaginable conditions had such wisdom!!
Ladies, never forget the beauty that still remains…it is all around us, it is within us!  Never accept a cold sidewalk instead of a cozy boudoir.  And…the next time you feel invisible…look at yourself in the mirror and proudly say “Damn, I look good!!”  Know that you are one of the lucky ones… after all, you are a WOMAN!

Posted in homeless, Paris, photography, women | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments »

April 13, 2010 by Sherri L. Ash Photography

 

 

Last month I traveled to Key Largo, Monterey, CA., and Nassau, Bahama’s.  What a profound experience for me, whom until recently, rarely traveled at all.  This was my exploration of wine…of course!!!

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My Journey into the World of Blog

April 7, 2010 by Sherri L. Ash Photography

I have always enjoyed writing, only I wasn’t sure just what exactly I wanted to write about.  Well, enter the world of blog.  I have been on a journey my entire life, always feeling that I had something to say but without knowing who I was how could I possible write something that others would be interested in reading?
About 2 or 3 years ago, I began questioning the path my life was taking.  I thought, could this be it?  I was 37 years old then, had three beautiful children and yet I felt unfulfilled.  Of course, I had guilt issues by just having those thoughts so I naturally tried to suppress them.  But I couldn’t help this nagging thought, I had so many dreams for myself, aspirations, I thought I was going to do something special or profound.  Is being a wife and a mother “special” in of itself?  Perhaps.  But that damn nagging voice inside my head wouldn’t stop!!  So, I started looking inward.  Can’t I be a good mother and wife and still live out my dreams and aspirations?  Why the hell not I say!!!!
I don’t know how it happened, heck, I don’t even know what “it” is.  But somehow along the way I realized that I suddenly knew who I was, and with that knowledge, I no longer felt compelled to “pretend” anymore.
Which brings me to this blog…however brief, it is my first blog.  Consider this an introduction…and the best is yet to come…kind of like myself!!  I don’t know where life will take me, I don’t know what lies ahead.  All I know is that I will no longer ignore my instincts.  I will forever be authentic to myself and as for what will come?  I imagine this blogspot will be a journey just as my life is, and I intend to ENJOY THE RIDE!!!

Posted in Blog | Tagged , , , , , , | 3 Comments »

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